5 People I Hate at the Movie Theater

"Brought my Own Snacks" Lady

Okay, I get it. Times are tough. You can't foot the 21 dollar movie tickets and the 15 dollar popcorn fee. I completely understand.

However, being poor does not give you the right to make a cacophony of noise when you unload your bountiful feast of home-popped popcorn and soda cans upon your lap. It's super distracting and annoying to hear "rustle, crinkle, plastic-bag zipper" every five minutes because you're rummaging around in your extraordinarily large purse for the bag of fruit leathers you brought from your pantry. "Bring my own Snacks" Lady is, well, always female... because even gay men look bizarre carrying a gigantic purse large enough to smuggle a baby in. Seriously, where the fuck do these women go purse shopping?

These thrifty ladies usually have a plethora of children, hence their need to cut back on a few pennies. This means that, five minutes after their entry, the entire theater slowly starts to smell like peanut butter, apple juice and sticky child-fingers. Nasty. Now, granted, you can expect to find these women mainly in PG movies, but every once in a while you get seated next to a real gem of a couple out on a date who are obviously super lame and/or poor because they can't foot the 10 dollar bill to split a large popcorn and soda combo. These people don't annoy me, they just make me incredibly happy that my husband knows how to take a lady out to the fucking movies the right way — with a box of Junior Mints and a Soda and nary a care in the world. Sucks to be you, poor guy!

Extreme Latecomer

In my opinion, there is very little that is more annoying than tardy movie-goers. Look, there are 20 solid minutes of previews. Is it really so difficult to get to the theater before the movie starts? Because it's kind of hard to pay attention to key plot points when I'm moving my purse and shuffling my feet around so you and your posse of imbeciles can find the last remaining seats while some poor loser from the theater has to help you with his standard-issue flashlight. Also, why would anyone even want to go to a movie when they've already missed the first 30 minutes?

It seems to me that vital information is often established in these precious moments, and by missing them you are completely ruining the experience for yourself. This is evidenced to me by the fact that these toolbags, after taking a fucking eon to get themselves situated, often whisper loudly to one another "Like, what's going on?" I personally don't give two shits if you want to spend a pantload of money to watch half a movie, but for the sake of everyone in the theater have some fucking consideration when you're waltzing down the aisles looking for a seat.

People Who Sit Right in Front of Me

This one is tricky, because unfortunately I hate everyone who sits in front of me at the movie theaters. (Yes, I am one of those assholes who enjoys putting her feet up on the chair in front of her, and if this were a different blog I would probably expect to find myself on this list. However, I don't pay 11 dollars a ticket to be uncomfortable, so you can all suck my left nut. Anyway.) Tragically, you could be the nicest, least-annoying person in the world, but if you sit in front of me at the movie theater you can expect to hear me say "Really dude?" as you are squatting down preparing to sit, before your cheeks even hit the cushion. That's just how it is — I don't even care if the last possible seats are in front of me, I will hate you for sitting there instead of standing. Sorry. (But not really.)

Noise Nazis

How many times has this happened to you: You go out to a supposedly scary movie with your significant other or friend, and the movie is so horrendous that it is actually comical. So you and your movie buddy begin to laugh to yourselves, making snide little comments at the hilarity ensuing on screen, when some asshole behind you asks you to kindly shut the fuck up. This sends you into a blind rage and you end up murdering the dude in the parking lot... well okay, maybe this last part hasn't happened to anyone yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if it did.

There are fewer things that piss me off than loud talkers in the movie theater, but if I am watching a piece of crap on the silver screen, I will make as many jokes to my friends as I damn well feel like. In fact, I will probably joke from the beginning credits to the very end, when we will laugh heartily at the main characters demise. What business is it of yours to tell me how to enjoy a movie? My husband and I often go to the worst possible horror films just for shits and giggles, so when you tell me I am allowed to neither shit nor giggle I get a wee bit angry. If you really wanted a silent, intense movie-watching experience, maybe you should have waited for the DVD release, gone back to your shoddy apartment, drawn all the curtains and watched the movie in complete silence while you slit your wrists or fondle yourself or some such nonsense, you fucking creep.

Full disclosure: the people who inspired this post are completely insidious white trash douche bags who, I kid you not, wept with fear while watching Paranormal Activity 2 (You know, the movie that everyone knows is fake) and yelled at my husband and I to be quiet because they paid a lot of money for their tickets. Oh, and I should mention they brought their own snacks.

People Who Bring Their Very Young Children to Scary Movies: Or, Why Some People Should Have Abortions

This last genre of human failed Basic Parenting 101, especially the lesson on how not to scar your child for life. It is quite disconcerting to be in the midst of a gory, violent slasher movie replete with loud noises and encapsulating darkness when all of a sudden, as the killer rapes and murders the young cheerleader on screen, a baby starts to cry. "What the fresh fuck?" you think to yourself, wondering if maybe the director of the movie took some creative liberties and threw in a baby noise effect, when you notice there is a woman who decided it would be a grand idea to bring her three children to an R rated serial killer movie. What a winner.

Obviously this woman could not get her neighbor to babysit (probably because her children are horrible) and decided that this movie was something she absolutely could not pass up and thought to herself, "Why don't I just bring little Crystal and Junior with me? They won't make but a peep! Brilliant!" (Actually, what she was probably thinking was "Where the fuck is my god damn crack pipe?") I don't mind personally if these women (and men, to be fair) want to torment their children, who are obviously scared shitless by this movie as evidenced by their screams of terror, but it is obviously annoying to other patrons who did not pay to listen to other people's howling offspring.

To make matters worse once the children get bored of being petrified they enjoy running up and down the stairs of the theater and playing hide and seek in the chairs. Of course, mom is too cracked out and enthralled with the brutal murders playing out on screen to care where her babies went, and so generally they end up under the legs of paying customers who smartly left their children at home. I have actually had little devil spawn babies touch my purse, and had to say to the little demon "Excuse me, this is my bag." Hello? Anyone? This is not a game of "Are you my mother?" No, little rugrat, I am not your mother; your mother is down a couple of rows from me: the lady in the wife beater tank top with missing teeth and a concealed bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 who obviously gives less than two shits about you. Sorry, tater tot!

Seriously, parents. If you decide, by some strange and misinformed decision, that it is a good idea to take your babies to a scary movie, keep them on a fucking leash and don't let them bawl through the entire movie. Not everyone is immune to the screams from your little bundles of joy, okay? Or, at the very least, give the kid some fucking Robitussin before you get to the theater. Thanking you kindly.