5 People I Hate on Public Transportation

Hey everyone. Please excuse my brief sabbatical — I've been swamped with school work and roller derby. On a positive note, my unfortunate dealings with college students have given me ample material for upcoming "5 things" articles. Anyway, a brief backstory on this article: I take the bus every day for a total of over an hour. Within this time frame, I am subject to the absolute scum of the Earth. Not to say that I am any better than the average Joes and Janes who have to take the bus, but mixed in with the fine, upstanding citizens of my fine suburb are the cretins listed for you below.

Loud Cell Phone Talker

The first person on this list is one of the staples of public transportation, as commonplace on any bus or train as empty coffee cups and the scent of stale urine. Most forms of mass transit have rules against talking on cell phones, but these loudmouth rebels can't wait until they get off at their stop to yap at their friends about last night's episode of American Idol. The worst is sitting next to someone who is mid-fight on the phone; Tensions flare, voices rise and soon you're listening to the innermost workings of your new bus buddy's last failed relationship. Not pretty. Is it really so hard to talk quietly, if you must talk at all? Not everyone wants to hear you piss and moan about your personal problems, especially since there's no quick escape on a moving train that doesn't involve immediate death.

Or better yet, get with the 21st century and fucking text them already.

Claustrophobic Sitter

So, just like at the movies, I hate when people sit next to me. I hate the smell of other people, I hate touching other people's skin and I hate having to share my own personal space with someone who is not invited to share it with me. However, there really is no VIP seating on a moving bus or subway. So, in order to ensure that no one chooses the empty seat next to me, I make unfriendly faces at people getting on the bus. (I could always just put my bag on the seat next to me, but then I'd be that asshole.) Unfortunately, some people are undeterred by my surly attitude and sit next to me anyway. That's when things get uncomfortable — that one moment where you're not sure if the person sitting next to you will respect your space or decide "Hey, I'm going to make this person feel really fucking uncomfortable by smooshing my leg, arm and ass against them as much as possible."

Okay, I do NOT need to get so intimate with you that I smell like YOUR body lotion for the rest of the day. Unless you're ridiculously obese, you only need to take up one seat on the bus or train. If you take up more than one seat on the train, you should be standing anyway, tubs. Hey, I'm only concerned about your health here. (Snickers)

Lost Moron

This person on the list is inspired by a gaggle of fucktards I recently encountered on a bus. The bumbling brosephs gathered on the bus, stoned as can be, baseball caps fashionably askew, with a couple of sorority girls who were clearly moonlighting as hookers trailing behind them. Ah, youth. As soon as these fresh-faced, red-eyed dumbasses got on the bus, it became evidently clear to everyone else on the bus that they had absolutely NO clue where they were going. I relay to you, word for word, this conversation, reeking of shitty college weed:

Bro 1: "Duuude, like, do you know where the stop is?"
Bro 2: "Naaah bro!"
Girl 1: "Like, why don't you know where it is? I thought you likeeeeee, looked it up and shit?"
Bro 2: "Naaah!"
Bro 3: "Shit yo."

Eventually, one of this country's brightest young women pulled out her glitter-covered smartphone for the sole purpose of using the GPS.

Maybe this is too much to ask, but in my opinion people who don't know where they're going should figure it out before they get on the bus. We have this cool invention now called the internet, where you can look up directions to places you've never been to before. That way you don't have to stop the fucking bus because you thought this was your stop when, like, heh heh, "it, like, totally wasn't bro!"

Stroller Nanny

Look, ladies. I know that some of you have little ones to pick up from day care and maybe you don't have a car or you live in a city. If this is the case, then you should know by now how to handle small children on a large, moving vehicle. If you do not, then you'd better learn right quick, because I am getting sick and fucking tired of taking care of other women's kids on my bus ride. Having worked in the child care field for a number of years now, I understand that watching over little children is very difficult, and juggling a stroller, diaper bag and squirming child is quite a task. However, this does not give you the fucking right to allow your charge to meander down the lanes or scream loudly while you talk on your cell phone. Being a nanny actually means having to watch over your little bundle of joy. Sorry, but it's kind of in the job description.

I call this woman Stroller Nanny because of an incident that happened to me on the bus a couple weeks ago. There I am, minding my own business at the back of the bus, when a woman got on the bus with her child still in the stroller. (Now, anyone who has ever taken care of a baby or ridden the bus knows that you ALWAYS fold the stroller before getting on, or else this next thing happens.) Flustered Nanny sits down and closes her tired eyes, blissfully unaware of the fact that she has not engaged the parking brake on her baby's stroller. Therefore, whenever the bus accelerates, little Junior comes hurtling towards the back of the bus like the flaming buggy of death.

Not fucking amused, lady. Not fucking amused.

Finally the old hag realized her youngster was flying up and down the aisle at the speed of light and decided to put the parking brake on, but not before I had already decided that she had earned herself a very special place on this list.

Unnecessary Armpit Barer

As always, I've saved the very worst for last. Though I don't often see these people on the bus, as they are more common on the subway systems, they truly disgust me. They are the Unnecessary Armpit Barer, those folks who are so pleased with their underarms that they take any and every opportunity to display them to the world. And what better place to do that but the subway or bus?

Picture this, if you will. I am sitting on one of the back seats of the bus, the ones that face away from the windows. A very large and very sweaty woman decides that, though there are empty seats available, she would rather stand over me and hold on to the overhead railing, leaving me no choice but to come face to face with her hairy, sweaty pits. Did I mention that she was holding a wet umbrella which dripped on my pant leg for a full 20 minutes before it dried completely?

Yeah.

Listen, assholes. I don't love your armpits as much as you do. In fact, there is nothing that disgusts me more than getting intimately acquainted with the armpit of a complete stranger. It personally doesn't matter to me if there are no seats available. An armpit is an armpit, and to me they are fucking nasty and will perhaps inspire me to projectile vomit all over your shoes if you do not promptly remove it from my face. Well, maybe that's a bit harsh, but really. If there are places to sit, do me a fucking favor and save the armpit modeling for someone who actually wants to see it... if such a creep even exists.

Or at least invest in some fucking Degree deodorant.